Cancer and Healthy

I could not believe that my oncologist told me that I had my chemo treatment on my 60th birthday. I did not know what the trouble me the most to tell the truth, with chemo or turning 60. I told my oncologist that this is very unfair, and in my usual manipulative ways, both to the logic of its slicing a few days off here and there. But she told me: "Uma, you have a good chance to beat and I do not intend to screw around with the data."

So it was. I was crying for at least 20 minutes, railing at the injustice of it all when I suddenly thought, 'My God, I'm really hurt myself doing this. I get all upset and probably immune system to destroy what I am talking about, " . So when I was challenging, and thought to myself: 'I am a good time anyway. " And I did. My friends gathered around me the night of my 60th, a special friend a painting made for me, and we had a very good time. Sometimes I think it was the first time I ever really understood what was surrender. It was a time when I really knew that they have no other choice than to find my choice when I let go.

As it turned out, my chemo nurses, two very funny and compassionate ladies, brought me a birthday cake. They were on the hysterical outfits I have chosen to wear to chemo. Since I was almost balding, I wore a ski cap back young gang members who decline or au courant kidnappers wear gray pants Pajama decorated with small cats, a plaid shirt worn because it was the only one who opened from the front of my port and bright azure blue cashmere socks to me by a very dear friend who also did my laundry. A few weeks later, I got that outfit in trouble.

I was going to chemo, and it was an emotional day for me fierce, angry and self-pity that I had to drive myself. I am not a full stop on a corner before the highway. Next thing I know now that I hear the siren of a police officer. So I stop and hear, 'Come out of the car with your hands up. " I thought that was pretty extreme for an illegal right. Eager to comply, I got out of the car with my hands up. The cutest cop stood there with his gun drawn and when he saw me, he began to laugh. He said that my car was similar to one just had ruled that a bank and combined with my black ski cap, I was an instant suspect. We laughed and eager for a good time, as I always was, and I asked him whether he would like to escort me to the hospital, sirens blaring, etc. He demurred, but because he was so cute, I'm from consider asking him whether he would like to frisk me, but I was not frisked in a long time. But leave well enough alone, I got in my car and laughed all the way to the chemo room, telling the nurses that story and always will be, a criminal to them from that moment. I also have their favorite criminal.

Interestingly, I had never in vain and thought I would not care if I lost my hair and in some respects, that was true, except when I saw myself without. It was not as much hair as I looked so pitiful. Always with a weight problem when I looked in the mirror I said to myself: I look like a fat concentration camp victim. And then the sadness was in.

I remember a very good night, 3 o'clock in the morning, looking at myself in the mirror, shaved head, blister on my lip of the chemo, terrible inflammation in my chest, writing my spiritual teacher, saying: "Remember you the story about the Tibetan monk, who by the Chinese for 20 years and when asked what the worst thing happened to him, he said, "If they caught my feet on the floor, that I almost lost my self." And then I thought, 'Screw that I as a Jew, thinking that the worst is that I now have to lose my sense of humor. "But as I wrote about it to my teacher, I started to describe my brilliant and intuitive Indian born oncologist who in her high-pitched voice could you ask her to a chapatti and with the same cheerful detachment in her voice, telling you she was to recommend that your pancreas and large intestines be removed by eating. Of course, we all know what kind of malice do. It finally restores your good mood.

Before the diagnosis is really the worst time because you do not know what to do. It is a moment of real powerlessness. In my case it seemed I was throwing on a whim at any time. I later discovered that he had nothing to do with the disease, but when my stress was at an all time high, a time when I have not yet discovered the delights of Ativan. But more probably from ingesting some very high-powered dark green Chinese herbs that a druggist had vowed her boyfriend very young and strong survive his brain tumor. This of course taking into account my desire to all these strange and highly touted stimulate immune items I would never have touched before, but began to lure them to me with their siren calls. "Cancer runs from me. Take me, I will cure you."

It is also the time to look for vegetable juicer that you gave to your hippie cousin. And buying 25-pound bag of carrots and dark green vegetables. In your state of hysteria, you find yourself asking the vegetables and juicer for forgiveness for them ignored. I can not tell you how many people they have on the discovery of cancer, begin to slug down liters of carrot juice. What they do not usually know is that carrots are as sweet as they can contribute to your diabetes or hypoglycemia, not to mention their tendency to turn your skin orange, which also contributes to the suspicion that you not only cancer, but hepatitis. Pre-diagnosis time is also a moment that you always bargains to eat grass and wheat will be kind to people who you do not want.

My sister, God bless her, made me an immediate appointment with a macrobiotic counselor. He was a true healer, and what I mean by that he did not have a ready-made shtick that he would have for me, so I feel guilt about the choice I made with chemo. Since I was a vegetarian for many years about 30 years, is a holistic doctor and masseuse, I subscribed to a holistic way of life and of course chemo considered to be at the beginning of my worst choice. But surprisingly enough, especially to me, when I heard my diagnosis, I immediately turned to my oncologist and said: "When can start the chemo?" Knowing my background (I had given her many massages), she was as surprised as I. I was classified as the second phase and instinctively felt that chemotherapy was my best chance to survive. And I would not regret while I was drinking wheat grass enemas and take that my cancer was made. This was obviously a very personal choice. My macro guy agrees with me and said very simply to me: "You know, Uma, if you lived by the coast or high in the mountains, you might have a chance of healing yourself of course, but you do not, and I think your decision to take chemo is a wise one. "Thank you, Lino, for your wisdom, because I'm still here and kicking.

I also noted two friends holistic style, a druggist and the other an acupuncturist who had literally held their heads in the sand during the early stages and if the cancer progressed, the acupuncturist started chemo too late. My other friend, the druggist, tried to treat her breast cancer with a few slices of red Georgia. known for the removal of tumors from animals, and absolutely refusing to consult a doctor. I remember her calling me the last days of her life looking for some kind of pain medication and my begging her to a doctor.

As you can see that a sense of humor is an absolute necessity, especially around the beginning of your journey. I came with some hysterically funny and sometimes very nasty comments. In an attempt to survive it all, I created my top ten list of the dumbest things people say when you have a diagnosis of cancer. Here they are:

1. Excuse me, Uma, that you have a lymphoma. My friend died from that of last year.

2. Do you have the good or the bad kind of species?

3. Uma, I want you to try these treatments. They were very effective at this woman who died last year.

4. Do not worry, my dog had lymphoma and after three chemotherapy treatments, she is just bounces around.

5. What you need to have karma?

6. I think you're so brave to do chemotherapy. I would die before I did.

7. I once had a knot in my chest, but I really did not want it, so it went away.

8. I have some vitamins I would like to sell. We can both make a profit.

9 I wrote this down on my head. Do you think this may be lumphoma?

10. They say that people who get cancer have a lot of anger. Did you feel that's true in your case?

Remember that some of your old antagonists are afraid you will die, because they have started sniffing around you, wondering if it was time to ask your forgiveness now or that they should wait until you on your deathbed. I believe in deathbed never forgive myself. I know that it looks beautiful, but I'm really curious to see whether it is true forgiveness when you are still smarting from the pain of your childhood. I know everyone really excited on the open heart expressed, but my cynicism think it is a short reunion and lived as an adult you still suffering the results of that unloved childhood. I felt that real forgiveness comes when you feel that you are no longer the victim and you heal yourself from the inside. It's not like someone says: "Papa's death, time to forgive." I do not think forgiveness automatically kicks in.

You need at this difficult time for a grudge. A woman with whom I had a hard time finding that I was sick came to me and said: "I hear you have cancer." And when I looked at her face, I saw was the struggle of the table. I do not have the time or the strength to stick to my anger with her and they do not. Strangely enough, when I recovered, we picked up where we had left off, but this time I have a serious and successful attempt to let go of my anger with her because as Carly Simon sang, "I had no time for the pain."

There were other benefits, with a potentially terminal illness.

1.People cut you much slack, you do not have to be so 'on' all the time. When you chemo, you have that wonderful diagnosis of "chemo-brains" It is the moment when your brains are not firing on all cylinders and there are many lapses between the utterance and the thought. When it boring, or someone is talking too long, you can just look blank and mutter 'chemo-brains "and everything is forgiven.

2.People more inclined to help balding men, especially if you do not wear headscarves. That is a true and screaming overview of your physical health. Do not be afraid to go without your headscarf. You give people a chance to speak some kindness, which is good for their karma. It is almost the closest to feeling like a king or at least a movie star.

3.If you are like me, never to have had real time off from work, you get to sit and watch Law and Order without feeling guilty, because the only thing we expect from you is to survive. Nobody gives you a hard time because your only task is now to fight for your life and survival.

4.You get an automatic, as invisible, Map cancer. This entitles you to discounts at the sale, even if the sale is long over. I've noticed that people my bald head, they would give me the price even if the sale were transferred.

5.You can go to the head of a rule in most lines with people laughing at you.

6. People take you out to eat too much. I was convinced that she had said: "This is a good time to Uma because they probably not so much to eat." What they did not know was that my taste had changed considerably and upleveled. I just wanted to eat at the really nice restaurants. I myself had begun to better treatment and better care of myself, I even bought new clothes. He was suddenly very important for me look good. I did not want people to say: "Poor Uma, she does not look good." I wanted to be flattered. I regarded as one of my survival tools that people look at me and happy instead of pityingly, remembering a friend who had cancer for 25 years and made people happy because they always managed to look beautiful.
Finally, if I had wanted to say what it was really great advantage of cancer, I would say it gave me the chance to get more real, dropping a social mask we all wear. I do not have a face on what happened. If someone asked for my own health, when I felt sick, I said yes, and when I felt good, I told the truth. I was later told that because I answered question concrete instead of self-pityingly, people were more comfortable and natural around me. Nobody wants to be around self-pity, even though it is deserved.

When there is a very good friend of mine learned of my diagnosis, I immediately saw her go into Cheerleading mode. She said: "Uma, you'll write a book and you use it to its full and you'll become famous, etc." I looked at her quizzically and said: "Lily, I do not know if I'm going to survive." We just sat there and looked at each other. I was not a face on what was going on, I could not pretend that I do not look at the impending death. I was on me and I remember that place, together with the fear, a sense of relief.
As a therapist, I would prefer to work with people who had cancer, because she seemed the most authentic. Cancer pads and a mask if you survive, you hopefully will remain that same authenticity in your life. This is a great gift - only to have been without a mask. Most of us know that we do not even wear to explain, so we like to please our family or our friends in subtle and less subtle ways. But if you are a life-threatening illness, it's time to do what you can to that life. I did not know that life meant so much to me as when I was anxious to die. And if my mask wore off, I felt my true self begins to emerge. There was a richness and fullness that I will always be grateful for.